Anger Management For Kids — and Everyone Else
Girl Talk, Millington, New Jersey — There are at least two unique things about Chillax!: How Ernie Learns to Chill Out, Relax, and Take Charge of His Anger
Second, all the anger-management strategies used by Ernie, the main character in Chillax!, are based on academic research. These aren't simply the strategies that have been used by Craver with her own two kids (although they are that, too), or even with the kids she's counseled in her 19 years as a school psychologist. In fact, much of this research was first conducted on adults. Which means all of us, not just parents, might do well to take a page from Ernie.
One Thing New's Kimberly Weisul spoke with Marcella Craver, M.S. Ed., C.A.S., about children, anger, and when a primal scream is really just fine.
How do you approach anger management with kids?
Start by helping kids recognize that they're angry. Ask the child what their body feels like when they're mad. What do they look like when they're mad? Maybe their face gets really hot, or their breathing changes. Whatever those signs are, the child needs to be able to recognize them. They need to have the physiological identification.
Then we say, "It's okay to be angry, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be happy. All emotions are acceptable. They're not within our control. So we're not going to feel guilty about feeling guilty, we're not going to feel guilty about being angry. We're going to accept that this is how we feel." We need to validate kids' feelings.
But then the expectation needs to be set that even though you can't control your emotions, you sure can control your actions. You're not going to be angry and go punch somebody at recess. You're not going to be angry and not do your school work. You're going to acknowledge that you're angry and then you're going to learn to think your way out of this angry situation.
So rather than this automatic reaction, which is what we see sometimes when kids are angry– this little explosion—we encourage them to say yes, I know I'm angry. Now I'm going to try to do one of these strategies in the book, so that just for the moment, I am able to think about what I need to do next. That's the idea. Because when you're angry or stressed, you can't think.
Even as adults, we don't always know when we're angry. Your reaction to anger might be to cry. You might not acknowledge that you're angry, and all of a sudden you're yelling at somebody else about something totally unrelated.
Can you walk us through the strategies in the book, which make up the acronym SWIFT-B?
Sure. The idea with SWIFT-B is to give kids choices. These strategies are based on research—they've been shown to work.
Kids don't have to do them all. And they should practice the strategies before they get angry, so that when they are angry, they'll be able to call on something that works.
S Sing a song in your head. Music has been shown to change our mood. If kids can think of a favorite song they can start singing in their head when they get angry, it can help give their brains a break.
W Walk away. This is really a self-imposed time-out. Sometimes you just need to get away from the immediate situation to be able to focus on what should happen next.
I Imagine yourself laughing. Like singing a song, it's best to practice this one when you're not angry. Think of a time during which you were happy, and then call it to mind when you get angry.
F Fake a smile. There is a physiological thing that happens when you smile. It does reduce the blood flow to your brain, cools your brain off, which makes you happier. It'll change your mood a little bit. Maybe enough to get things under control.
T Take cover. Ask for a break. Ask everyone to calm down, to give you a minute to think.
B Breathe! When most people get angry, their breathing speeds up. So instead, breathe in for a count of five, hold your breath for a count of five, and breathe out for a count of five. That turns out-of-control breathing into something more structured.
Maybe if you're a kid you can't remember what every letter stands for, but if you can remember SWIFT-B you might be able to remember 'fake a smile' and 'take a break.' You might be able to remember two. That might be enough. The acronym provides a memory anchor, which I think is helpful.
Can kids do all this on their own?
The book is intended for an adult to walk the child through it and even rehearse it. Doing it on their own may take time, practice, and support.
How do you know if a child has trouble with anger, or if they're just being a kid?
That's a good question. If anger is really disrupting the child's functioning or the family's functioning, or if it's disrupting a child's ability to learn in school or to make friends, that's kind of the gauge. If a kid is playing a board game with a friend, and their first reaction when they think someone cheated is to flip the board over and get really angry, that is not within the range of a typical reaction. When the reaction starts to be disruptive, that's when intervention is needed.
What resources are available for parents whose kids have trouble with their anger?
Having kids that have anger issues can be super, super challenging.
We always recommend people to start with their schools, guidance counselors. There are books on the market they can read. Your pediatrician might be able to refer you out to somebody if the problem is so bad that you feel like have nowhere to turn.
The Web site says the book is for kids age 8 to 13. But what about younger kids? Could a six-year-old do this?
I think for a six-year-old it's much wiser to help them identify what anger looks like for them. So you see a six-year-old getting upset. They're starting to clench their fist, they're starting to clench their jaw, and you can say to them, "I see that you're feeling angry. Are you feeling angry?"
Giving kids the words for the feelings that go with their current state is so supremely helpful. That tells the kid there is a word for what they're experiencing. They can label it. So rather than acting out and showing that they're angry, they can say that they're angry.
I started giving my young children words for feelings almost as soon as they were talking. I know it sounds ridiculous, but if you say, "Boy, you look like you need some mom attention. Can you ask me for some attention? Say, 'I need a bit of attention.'"... Or if you say, over and over again, "I see that you feel sad. You need to tell me that you're sad," those are the things that help little kids become people who can identify emotions and hopefully learn to regulate them.
Is there ever a time when it's better for a kid just to blow up? For a kid to just get everything out of his or her system?
I think if it's a productive thing where it doesn't hurt someone else, and it doesn't put you in harm's way, then once in a while, a primal scream isn't going to be a bad thing. — KW
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